Debacle in Shetland: Jokes About Shetland

Several of my friends, whom will remain nameless, have some experience with Shetland. When I began planning my trip, one of them provided me - quite unexpectedly, in fact - with some jokes about Shetland. Once my adventure took its biggest unexpected turn, I started making some up for myself. Here are some of the highlights.

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Anonymous Commentator #1: Here's a joke you can tell up there. Questions - How do we know that ET is a Shetlander ? Answer - Because he looks like one.
Tom: You're going to get me thrown into the North Sea, aren't you?
Anonymous Commentator #1: Or - Why do Orcadian like to see a nice sunset ? Because they can imagine that Shetland is on fire.

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A Shetlander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his cousin is lying in bed reading. The Shetlander says: "This be the cow I spend me nights with when ye've got a headache." His cousin replies: "Ye be daft, beuy! That be a sheep!" The Shetlander replies: "I wasn'a talkin' to ye!"

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Q: If a group of Shetlanders is about to attack you, what do you do?
A: Distract them by shouting, "Look! Someones's attractive cousin!"

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Anonymous Commentator #2: I'm in a quiet cab on a train to Glasgow. I'll give you a call this evening if that's okay?
Tom: Perfect. Be prepared to chortle and guffaw.
Anonymous Commentator #2: It better be worth the call back!
Tom: Let me put it this way: you'll get to laugh at my expense!
Anonymous Commentator #2: Not if I ring you. And you've certainly put the pressure on yourself by saying I'll laugh. I might not. I'm in a poor mood. I took my Mac to Glasgow this morning. At the Apple store for 9 am. The chap said it could be up to ten days and would probably be two days minimum. So I came home. Walked in the door, sat down, rubbed my eyes. My phone rang! Apple saying the work was done. 3 hours. So I'm now on a train back up!
Tom: Now that I've laughed involuntarily at your expense, I promise no Mac jokes during the phone call. Trust me, you'll laugh. It involves a blister, a change of trousers, Unst, and Oklahoma.
Anonymous Commentator #2: I've heard it!
Tom: No, not that one. This story doesn't involve incest.
Anonymous Commentator #2: All Shetland jokes involve incest.
Tom: One that Anonymous Commentator #1 told me involves fire but no incest.
Anonymous Commentator #2: I've heard that one too.
Tom: Then you'll LOVE this story and I'll only have to explain it to you twice.
Anonymous Commentator #2: Ha! If it's good, I'll laugh. If it's poor, I'll change my phone number.
Tom: Empty threat. You don't know how to change your phone number and --'s off at Uni. I'll let you get back to fuming at Apple. Speak with you this evening.
Anonymous Commentator #2: Okay but it better be funny.

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Poor Anna... I mean, Shetland. "All Shetland jokes involve incest"? Harsh.